A Torn Heart

It is a difficult position to be in to have a heart so torn. Is it possible to follow both desires to the fullest or is there too much competition between the two? Are they actually different or is the brain getting in the way of the heart? Let me explain a little.

Our journey started so long ago that I actually find it difficult to pinpoint a start or beginning. But we've been desperately following Jesus and looking for Him so we can continue following Him since we began down this less traveled road. Along the road we've encountered so many people that have helped us find Him again (or realize that we've lost sight of Him and we weren't even looking for Him). It's been very much a rocky road to be on. Never knowing for sure if we are really heading in the right direction.

At some crossroads we would see the choice to follow our desires or to follow Christ's desires. How I wish we could say we chose Christ more often, but I must report that it is much more often our own. Early in our journey we didn't necessarily see our desires as different. As we continued our travel and began adding children we met some extraordinary people that showed us so much light we are still learning from them. These divine encounters are really an awesome thing!

Sometimes these encounters bring up very scary negative feelings and as you explore those feelings, you might discover there to be a war raging in the darkness inside of you. As light shines in the darkness it hurts and the more light you let in the more healing occurs and the more you grow closer & deeper in Christ. The more you allow this process to occur the more your heart becomes pure, full of Christ and His desires. It is a very freeing and fun, albeit tough, position to be in because you become totally aware of your worldly desires and are convicted.

Like the desire to want a big fancy SUV, when a very reasonable, reliable, ugly van will do. It's SO hard to not want things of this world or to take for granted those things. But as you continue to seek Him you realize that those things don't matter. So you empower your friends or family to help make the tough decision so you are not swayed and swept up into your worldly desires. (well, at least, that's what I do). But I've digressed...

Other times, those divine encounters plant a seed that will not begin to sprout until years later or offer confirmation or tie together all those loose ends, helping to make a clear path. And occasionally something revealed to you in one of those instances cannot be removed from your mind. No matter how hard you try to move the opposite direction. It is at that point that it becomes confusing to me and we enter my current dilemma.

When we started this portion of our journey to be missionaries in Richardson, we assumed a large portion of our role would be at the elementary school our children should attend from Kindergarten through Sixth grade. We were (and to some extent are still) totally unsure of what it means to be a missionary in Richardson and what our role entails. We are certain of loving children and people that cross our paths. We have a few points of focus where we already have relationships with others and have regular contact.

First there is work, I work by both watching a beautiful baby girl & at Daniel's preschool. I have a job of loving those children. I cherish them by filling in the gaps; empowering them to discover, create, love and be. I have this general passion for children, so we figured that would carry over to the children at Alexander's school. And it is to an extent. But my vision is clouded, my passion is muted. (we'll come back to that in a minute)

Second there is the gym. This is my me time. I've been going to the same gym for 4 years now and I LOVE every minute of being there. I have been happy to spend time there everyday over the last 4 years and speak to no one. But recognizing my calling of being a missionary I've begun talking to people & taking a true interest in others that spend time there. I'm learning a lot from them and am getting support for my fitness and weight loss goals. I am inspired regularly by the people there and hope to one day be in a position to inspire others.

Third there are my friends. This is one of those things that is very much a Love/Hate relationship. Some of my best friends (those that I grew up with) are far away and so I've been forced to make new friends. They are wonderful people, but the more friends you have the more time you want to spend with them, doing things with them, enjoying their company, experimenting with new things or experiencing and learning about their passions. Either way for an introvert like me, it is very exhausting. I have lots of people I miss, want to talk to, have coffee with, give hugs to and just love, I have joy in doing all of those things, I just wish it gave me more energy like extroverts seem to experience after human interaction=)

So back to the muted passion for children. I am feeling very torn, because my brain says school is where I should be passionate because my son attends that school and there must be need of time, energy and love there for the children. But as I've tried to find a fit I've met resistance and am very confused about why. Not just resistance from the school (which is happening) but resistance on my part about where I should be putting in the time at the school . At the same time I continue to remember a morning I spent almost 2 years ago with a mother of 4 that was homeschooling her children and her reasons and love of the experience.

I've also found that my heart is saying, this isn't where my son belongs. He doesn't fit there and I don't believe it's what is best for him. So I struggle with trying to be involved and at the same time hating the school for holding my son hostage. I don't like the school system, I don't like that he's not challenged and encouraged to excel beyond his current abilities, I fear he'll lose his love of learning, I fear he won't continues to be happy with the small rewards the teacher offers for good behavior, I fear he'll learn to settle for mediocrity, I fear he'll not be given ample opportunities to explore his passions and find his calling, I fear his curiosity will subside and his creativity will diminish. All of these things have caught me off guard.

My concerns before school started were how is the teacher going to keep him from being distracting in school, what is he going to do while the other children learn the ABCs, are the other children going to be nice, will he have lots of parent teacher conferences. Those kinds of things, but I realize that those things don't matter. At least not to me. But that is apparently all that matter within the school system. As long as he conforms and isn't causing problems, it is considered a success, for both the student, teacher & school.

So I'm torn. Is my brain right, send him to public school like all the other children, continue trying to volunteer and just hope for the best? (After all our God is bigger than school!) Or is my heart right, keep him home & school him ourselves, taking help from the local homeschool network and allow for him to greatly excel, discover passions that wouldn't normally be offered to him and capitalize on the opportunities set before me to serve children with my children (both at this elementary school and others)? I think back to the "foot that did defeat" the 12 inches between the heart and the brain, I wish I could remember the complete meaning of that message in hopes it might offer some clarity.

What's a mommy to do?? What's a follower of Christ to do??

School is in session

Well, School has started and it actually appears to be getting MORE difficult for our family as we try to adjust to school life. Rising before 7am isn't going well, the boys being apart for 7 hours isn't going well, me missing him so much & just desiring to home school him until he's 35!, well, you can say that's not going well either=p

The school is very strict on some of their policies (partly for safety and partly because it's the beginning of the school year) and so I haven't actually been allowed in the school yet. But I am in the process of getting cleared so I can volunteer there on a weekly basis. I'm not sure exactly what I will be doing but I'm really hoping to start building relationships with the teacher, counselor and office staff to start with. It's difficult even to say more than hello & thank you currently and I so desire more. I'll continue to persevere and worst case Daniel, Grace & I will become lunch room regulars and we'll get to know the lunch room people=P

Here's hoping this transition will start to get easier soon.

P.S. On the positive side we have met a few more neighbors, some even have school age children. I hope that as the weather continues to get nicer we'll be allowed more opportunities to meet our neighbors... and eventually be the ones creating those said opportunities!

August Already? Where did July Go?

Hello to all our loyal readers! I know that all three of you have been so hungry for an update of our ministry progress;-D

Well, the month of July was spent with our family. And though we have some great memories of the trip, there's not a lot of progress for Christ to report; though there are two family members that seem to be heading towards Him, so Praise God!

As for our neighborhood, we've been gone so long that we had to reconnect with all the neighbors we already met, and essentially meet them again. We've approached one couple that are Christ followers also, to pray with us once or twice a month for our neighborhood, but they stopped by tonight to let us know that they are committed to praying for their neighbors but they are extra committed to church activities 3 days a week so we won't be physically getting together to pray but we will all be praying.

Other than that kind of relationship building we are having an ABSOLUTE BLAST with our friends that live a mile away. We are seeing each other several times a week and Jason & I are so enjoying having a friendship like the ones we had when we were children (Shout out to the Bowling Buddies!!). We are even all getting in shape together! It's really great=D

Now on to a more teary subject, school. The schools will be a huge ministry area for us as Xander (/sniffle) gets ready for Kindergarten. We sign him up on the 10th & he starts on the 23rd... we are kind of hoping to meet the teacher before school starts but I'm not sure how that works. Anyway, I've taken on a role at my friends non-profit organization, Retread. (If you don't know about Retread, please visit this website: theretreadproject.org If you're interested in helping out Retread in anyway, then get back to me ASAP! The school year is beginning & it is a busy time for us.)

So Retread is about transforming a child's life & one of the ways it does that is by providing shoes to children who cannot afford them. I am going to be a representative in our area & hope to really build up relationships with the schools that Retread already serve and Xander's school. Plus there are things I'd love to do that I'm not sure I can yet, but I want to make sure every child gets to celebrate their birthday at school, whether that's bringing cupcakes or fruit snacks or a gift for the birthday child I don't know but it'd be awesome. Of course we want to volunteer in the classroom and we are happy to supply school supplies as much as we can. I imagine we'll get involved with the PTA, I just have to remember I'm doing this in Christ... which means I have to keep my "momma bear" syndrome in check, Lord Help Me!!!

Anyway, that's about it for now... maybe a new update before this month is out?! /shock 8-)

P.S.

Just discovered my car was broken into last night, shattered a window & took the entire radio kit=( bummer!

Hope this isn't the 'welcome to the neighborhood' party=p Either way, no more parking in the alley.

Dinner w/ Neighbors

Well, progress! Not only have we met half a dozen houses on our block & in our alley, but we've managed to get it together enough to have a couple over! I'm proud of us=D

They are a wonderful older couple that has children our age & 12 years older than us. But they gave us some very valuable information about the street. They are one of 4 houses that go to church. They are hopeful for our missions to the neighborhood.

So this is all great news & great progress. We are meeting people and there is great need for missionaries in the neighborhood. Woo! Now we just have to continue to meet with others.

Off to watch a wonderful baby doll & today we are creating a craft for Daddy's Day=D

Until Next Time...

So Much Happening, So Little Time Keeping You Updated!

Hey all you loyal readers! So sorry we haven't had an update for (gulp!) over a month! We are doing very well and have so much to update you on.

1) We have purchased the home in Richardson, moved in & are mostly unpacked. We still have a storage unit to empty this month but right now we are taking one thing at a time. We like our little house but have some things we will work on to improve the home to be a bit more functional for us. Painting will begin at some point this summer, just not sure if it's before our trip to California in July or not. Jason & I are having fun planning out this adventure of a 'fixer upper' and it is offering a multitude of opportunities to come into contact with new people & build the single existing relationship we have in the area (more on that later!)

2) We are seeing that there aren't alot of unmanageable sacrifices by living in an older, smaller home. There are weird things that are gross & old that we've never dealt with before, like vacuuming out the return vent (EW!) and wiring the office for internet (starting this weekend). So far the only true negative is ROACHES!!!! And I just gotta tell you honestly (and I think Jason is with me on this) ... if God had said the word ROACH somewhere along the way, this would NOT have even been an option. Thankfully, Jason is contacting our great friends at Orkin to come and handle this for us today... but still, totally GROSS=P

3) Our Murphy Home is closing today!!! We were patient and waited and it all came together. The couple is perfect for the home and we are so excited about the 2 bundles of joy they will be welcoming into the world & their new home in less than 8 weeks! We know the joy of bringing babies home and are blessed to have brought 2 of our own home to that house. We know there are many years of love in that house ahead and are positive they will enjoy it.

4) There is a family in our neighborhood that we knew before we moved in and they were gracious enough to host us in their home while we were transitioning between the two homes... and my goodness, 5 Potnicks is a LOT to host for a week!... We begun building great relationships with them and are so grateful to have those kind of awesome friends just a few minutes away! I've been given the privelage of caring for their darling baby girl Madison, twice a week and she is so precious. The boys love her and Grace does also... though Grace was minorly hesitant to her in the beginning;-) Jason is also going to begin playing softball with Madison's daddy in a few weeks (something he is very excited about returning to). Anyway, we are doing great at building this relationship.

5) Our physical neighbors. Jason has done a great job at running outside to meet & greet people as he sees them out. Me however, not so much. I've spent a full week trying to get our house in order so we can function and that is going, well... ok i guess? It's actually very slow as I continue to grow my 'third place' relationships at the gym & work and taking care of wonderful Madison... plus my 3 blessings=D I guess it's good I'm introverted or nothing would be getting done=p

Anyway, this is it for now and the baby girls are both up from their naps so I gotta run.

Until next time...

Coincidence? I think not...

Been meaning to write this story down for a while, so figured I would today while I had a few moments. It actually relates back to how we got an offer on our house and all the cool stuff that happened that weekend in April.

So we found out on a Thursday in mid-April that sadly, the house we wanted in Richardson had received an offer, and the owner was going to accept it. Luckily, we had not allowed ourselves to fully "fall in love" with the house, so we dealt with the news. That same night, our agent mentioned to us she had heard from a couple that wanted to look at our house on Saturday.

That Friday, Leesa was driving home and saw some neighbors selling a very nice set of black leather movie room recliners (4 of them!). She decided to call me and joke about them. I told her it wouldn't kill anyone to check the price... so she went back and found out the chairs were in great shape (slightly used), and the neighbors were selling the whole set for $100!! These types of chairs usually sell for $400-1000 a piece! So I told her she had to buy them.

About this time, our agent called and said the couple wanting to see our house just had to see it THAT NIGHT. So, we worked out with the neighbors to get the recliners delivered, the house cleaned up, and the old couch in our movie room out of the house and into storage before the couple arrived to look at the house. It was a crazy afternoon (leaving work early, grabbing a friend's truck, moving furniture, cleaning, etc.), and we're very thankful my dad and step-mom were in town to help.

Now, crazy part of the story #1: The neighbors that sold us the recliners recognized our names (we had not met them before), because they had just signed their son up on our T-Ball team the night before! They recognized our last name from the team roster. Richardson's league is far enough away, that very few people from Murphy sign up to play down there when there are other leagues near by. Not only had they joined the league, they landed on our team the night before we met them selling recliners. My mind still boggles.

Saturday morning came along and we had a great first T-Ball game. The kids (and parents) had a lot of fun. We returned from the game to find out an offer was imminent on the house! We got the offer that night, accepted it and found ourselves under contract. The couple (who is pregnant with twins), loved the house, especially the movie room.

To finish off this story with crazy part #2: by Sunday night we found out the offer on the Richardson house had fallen through and we were now in the running again. We went and saw the house the following Saturday, put an offer in and had it accepted within three hours! I've since met the owner (she is the original owner, 36 years!) to find her to be a pleasant Christian lady.

We move around the 20th of May (3 weeks!). Anyone know any good movers? :-)

Leesa and I are convinced even more that God has a mission for us in Richardson, and that in His timing He is paving the way for us.

Prayer needs: Right now we're praying that God would bless the new owners of our home even more than He blessed us the last four years. We are also continuing to pray for opportunities to meet people and minister to them in Richardson. Finally, our prayer is for opened eyes to see those opportunities.

Until next time...